No one tells you the ups and downs of infertility. You start off your marriage thinking that it might take a year for you to become pregnant. Then you get through that first year and you think it shouldn’t be much longer until we’re pregnant but then a year turns into two, two turns into three ,and three turns into four. There you are feeling hopeless, depressed and discouraged. You go through another year childless. But wait, there’s hope or so you think. The next Doctor thinks they found the solution, then that fails. Then you find the most amazing doctor that starts you on fertility treatments and you get your hopes up. You feel like you’re on top of the world, that something might happen on this treatment. This treatment usually only takes two cycles for women to become pregnant.
So cycle one you’re not too worried. Then cycle two comes along. You go to that second appointment, you go take that pregnancy test and as you’re waiting for the doctor to come into the room your heart’s filled with hope, excitement and joy that you can’t hardly contain yourself. She comes into the room looks over the paperwork and says the test came back negative but still keep testing because it might be too early to tell. So you test and you test only have your period come yet again. Cycle 2 turns into three, three turns into four, four turns into five. Still with no result there you are in your pit of depression, sorrow, hurting. No other pain can compare. You try to carry on with life you try to not let people see that you’ve been crying all night.
You walk into work with a fake smile on your face hoping that no one asks how you are. You try to forget all the suffering that you’re feeling. You try to look on the positive side but yet it’s the holiday season so about every other customer you wait on is going to ask if I have kids or if my kids are ready to see Santa. To which I reply I don’t have any kids. Then the follow-ups occur….. “You don’t have any kids, you should start on that. You aren’t getting any younger.” “You’re so young and you don’t have any kids?” “That’s okay kids are a nuisance anyway.” “Well at least you can worry about yourself on the holidays.” ” That’s okay more time to yourself.” “You and your husband don’t want children?” And those are some quotes from people I don’t know. Some people I know, know that I come from a large family so the quotes I get from them are… “It’s okay your mom and dad have enough kids to share with you”, “you’re probably so glad that you don’t have any kids since you come from a big family”. “Your mom has so many kids it’ll happen to you, you just have to be patient”. I sit there dying inside, more than I already am. I try to hide the pain in my voice and let it go.
What they don’t know is I had 2 lines on a multiple test but yet never have been able to hold our baby.
What they don’t know is I see a woman with dementia almost everyday who lost the love of her life and never had kids. She wonders about lost with no hope. No one that matters in her life will be there when she takes her last breath. She doesn’t have kids or grandkids to brag about or love on. As other people pity her, I see myself in that woman. I’m afraid of not having kids to love and hold. Not being able to watch them grow up and see the accomplishments they have in life. Not having grandkids, not being able to be a cool grandma, not having anyone in the room with me when I take my last breath. I will be nothing but a faded memory to most. But yet people think what I’m going through is not that bad or not difficult. Or, they come up with things to say to try to make me feel better but in the end it does more damage than good. The saying well it’s just not your time, God has a plan for you, you know Sarah was 90 when God gave her a child. My soul feels overwhelming with 2 emotions punching them or curling in a corner and crying . They don’t know the feeling of being a failure to your husband and having to watch him feel the pain of not having children. Feeling the pain of watching his wife break down every night. Having to go to doctors and sit in a room full of happy pregnant women with their happy husbands as you hold your ovulation journal. You sit there in depression because you know for the millionth time you will walk through that door, take another pregnancy test and it be negative. The feeling of when a Dr tells you that you can only take 6 cycles of that specific fertility treatment in your lifetime and you are a few away from cycle 6 and still no baby.
As I sit here feeling hopeless, beaten down, and torn. I think of the woman in Matthew who longed to touch the hem of Jesus robe because she knew she would be healed. I sit here crying just to touch the robe of Jesus for healing. I pray for the pain of every woman going through infertility. I pray for their husbands. I pray for their hearts and souls. I pray God heals their womb. I pray that other women never have to go through this.
I pray that women who are blessed with children love them and realize how much of a blessing they really have. I pray that if you are hurting and broken you will try to reach out to Jesus for healing. Matthew 9:22; Jesus turned to her and said, ” Take heart my daughter. Your faith has made you well”.
My womb is empty, my sorrow is deep but in this hurting you are still with me. In my suffering you are still using me to write this story and to help women in their time in need.
Through the Hills and the valleys 